So, can no one help me here... Toby, any thoughts, anyone? bueller?

Dude. everyone has an opnion on what to start riding. When you are learning the better the equipment you have the easier it is to learn fast. The bummer about big kites is that it usually takes some good skills to consistently relaunch them so for big kites choose something easy to relaunch. I agree with sticking with one design of kite otherwise you will wind up liking one alot more than the other. My personal preference of kite is the RRD 4.1. Long life expectancy and a great preforming kite that will take you from where you are now to any level you want to go to. FInd a dealler near you and go try one. Happy sailing.
Aloha Royce.