Not sure who wrote this, but I got it via email and its brilliant. Congrats to the writer whoever he/she may be...
The following is strictly for declared windoholics and people showing symptoms of obsessive kite fever. Anyone not suffering from the above ailments should not read on, as they can be highly contagious.
Not getting enough? Do you often find yourself talking/thinking/dreaming of and/or praying for wind? Is the average day at your local spot a gusty 4-5 knots? When the wind finally does pick up and the waves start to pound the shore as you set up your kite in a frenetic adrenaline rush, does that steady breeze also systematically die to zilch just as you are about to put you feet in the board straps? Are you so frustrated you're reduced to answering every other post on the kitegroup forum, cybersurfing till the muscles of your left mouse button finger are bigger than your biceps? Do you travel thousands of miles chasing the wind in the weather reports, just to hear "Well it was rockin' yesterday mate" when you finally get there? On the last killa day at your local spot were you one of the following: working, ill, looking after the kids, arguing with the wife/husband, waiting for your kite to be repaired? Have you started showing signs of true wind addiction? Stacking big traction kites, trying to use parachutes, or boards as big as barn doors?
Desperate for wind, no problem, all you need to do is tackle the problem from another angle.
10 easy ways to get wind on a no wind day:
1. LONG LINES. Yeah so what's new you may ask, no one uses long lines anymore, right? Wrong, no one has ever used long enough lines. Even when the wind speed at sea level is a miserable 0 mph, in the Troposphere there are prevailing hemispherical winds, called jet streams that can reach 200 miles per hour (174 knots). They move mostly in a horizontal direction, west to east in the Northern Hemisphere, and East to West in the Southern Hemisphere. With that wind speed you'll only need a stunt kite to take you to heaven and with 25,000 to 35,000 feet of lines this is a good thing because you'll have to move your kite fast to get that kickass Tropospheric whiplash effect. You can get some wicked up drafts up there too, just think of the potential hang time.
2. CYBERWIND. There's loads of wind on the net, references to wind, kite wind ranges, kitesurf videos and particularly hot thermal wind on the kitegroup forum almost every day and wouldn't you know it some American whiz kid has dreamed up a neat software package to get all the wind off the Internet and on the water, called Bill Kites or somethin' like that, I believe. He swears it works and has all the bugs sorted.
3. HELIUM. Yeah we tried that years back, all the oldtimers cry. Guys, guys, you can't expect a couple of litres of lighter than air gas to make any difference, you need a bigger kite with a leading edge that'll hold a couple of hundred litres of helium, that'll get you going.
4. APPARENT WIND. As every kiter knows you don't need much real wind to go kiting because with a wind making machine like a traction kite you can create you own wind. So, if you can't increase the real wind just increase the apparent wind man. There are many ways to do this: towing behind a speedboat with your kite bar in your teeth is one; signal flares on your kite is another and is guaranteed to get you planing in no time; someone must have tried sticking a rocket up their ass by now too but understandably don't want to talk about it, so we'll respect their privacy.
5. BIOWIND. In parts of the world where it just doesn't rain, Meteorology and Hydrology boys have been scattering certain (no better defined) chemicals from planes and making rain clouds. Farmers also use 'Shock Wave' generators to prevent hail ruining their crops. The generator works exactly like a shotgun. When it is fired, it gives a two-ton thrust and air follows the explosive thrust at super sonic speeds. When directed by the barrel, this air becomes the 'Shock Wave', that you can see and hear a few seconds after the initial 'BOOM'. By combining the two systems, you can make your own thunderstorms and therefore lotsa wind. Environmentally friendly kiters or kiters on a low budget can just invest in the generator and ride the 'Shock Wave'.
6. WIND MACHINES. There are machines that make wind, they're called fans and almost everyone has one, just like a TV set. All you have to do is rig your fan into your lines, just above your head is fine, rip the battery out of your car and strap it to your helmet, rip the transformer out of your kid's favourite toy and rig the lot up with lots of plastic cling film. Laid back kiters can rig the TV up too while they're at it. Just remember that your first fall will be illuminating.
7. THERMAL WIND. Everyone knows about thermals. Hot air is lighter than cold air and will rise into the sky until it reaches approximately 10 km (6 miles) altitude. When the land is hotter than the sea, the air rises, flows out to the sea, and creates a low pressure at ground level which attracts the cool air from the sea. If your spot isn't getting hot enough, use your imagination, there are loads of combustible materials in most seaside towns and tourist traps are no exception, everyone's got a match and the petrol stains will wash off as you do your thing out there on the water.
8. NUCLEAR WIND. Strictly for kiters with presidential connections, nuclear explosions produce hurricane force winds, need I say more. More wind than anyone could want at the push of a button. What a blast.
9. FLYING MACHINES. What's all this about not kiting near airports? What a load o' sissies and I thought this was supposed to be an extreme sport. Catch a plane, no surer way to get good airtime ya buncha wimps.
10. THE RIGHT DIET. To end on a slightly less scientific note, if all else fails a good plate of beans has never failed to get yer wind up, can get a little gusty at times, but crowds won't be a problem.
We have the answer